The dearth of hard news from Saudi Arabia compelled Zero News Network’s (ZNN) news director, Yusuf Yaya, to send me to Jeddah. Here in Jeddah, I am charged with the task of filing breaking news from the Kingdom on our ailing dear leader, President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua. We arrived here yesterday and have our satellite set up in front of the magnificent King Faisal Specialist Hospital & Research Centre. Kai. If you look behind me, on the sixth floor, you will see the window with the beaming light. That is where our president is recuperating. He has not been watching the English soccer league as was reported by rumor peddles. Instead, the president has been reading the classics, like Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri. Our source said that the president has been fascinated by the line that says, “The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in time of great moral crisis remain neutral.” We are also told that the president is reading Homer and Plato and is appreciating the ironies and tragedies of life. When he speaks to the nation (this will happen as soon as the tubes are taken out), he will speak in philosophical terms from the position of wisdom and truth. We understand that he is writing the speech himself. Our source told us that the president found this passage from Usman Dan Fodio’s book THE PURIFICATION OF THE HEART FROM KIBR (Pride) very fascinating: “You own neither your heart nor yourself. You desire something while your destruction may be in it, and you detest something while your life may be in it. You find some foods delicious when they destroy and kill you, and you find remedies repugnant when they help you and save you. You are not safe for a moment, day and night.” As expected, there are several Nigerian government officials loitering around the lobby of this hospital. They carry around big briefcases and big frowned faces. I asked one what was in the briefcase he was carrying. He told me it was Nigeria’s nuclear codes. We tried to get an interview with these officials but they refused. They do not want to appear on camera. I have been told that they were not happy to see us here because it is now hard for them to lie to Nigerians about what is really going on.
